I’m not alone, but then again, maybe I am.

I’ve got to admit, I am one caught up in the virtual phenomenon called cyber (…) fill in the blank. Just say a word and I am prone to prefer it; Cyber dating, Cyber mating, heck I even have a virtual pet.
Perhaps it’s being a writer that caused me to get so caught up, all the hours sitting at my computer writing…etc. Who has time to answer the phone, the door, the window called my soul…to anything other than the pages I see before me?
Always having been a people person ...before... I slowly incorporated the internet into my writing time until finally I got to where I couldn’t write without the internet accompaniment and the people I found therein. Dial-up, DSL it, doesn't matter, and yes I’m one who even calls a person on the phone, while IMing with them and maybe even tripling the threat with some webcam action...oh my God! Does that make me a loser?
No, you know why, scary though this is, I’m not alone, but then again…maybe I am.
I always hold to the hope that if there is ME, there are a 1000 MEs or more living the same way and that means there are more people, than I think would be a healthy number, out there living virtual lives.
What has happened to our confidence? I know as a baby boomer, I love cartoons but come on! Plus size Avatars (and yes I chose that one, I mean, why give someone the wrong impression) HELLO out there…It’s bad enough I’m hoping to give off a good impression from an instant message…but come on, no matter how you look at it, a cartoon impression of me IS the wrong impression!
Okay so this year, somewhere between book two and three…which I’m on four and five now, I’m starting to feel the tension growing because I want to step away from the computer and can’t, although I have come to realize that this life in front of the monitor is lacking. I realized it is lacking in the touchy-feely department. I’m starting to feel like a lab monkey…you remember the one that they gave the Coke to and he eventually lost interest in everything else…
I’m sorry, but I’m no lab Monkey. Even so, I think that some of those experiments would be rather interesting…ahem, but that’s another story…Anyway, I realized that sleeping with my keyboard did not make for a satisfying night.
Duh! How long did it take me to realize that? Too many years to reveal to you all… suffice it to say, Y2k was a let down and well, I’ve been sitting here ever since, waiting for the next ‘big’ ‘virtual’ thing to happen.
Perhaps it’s my history. Let me give just a little bit of it: I’ve never been a ‘dater’, I meet a man, I like the man, and usually sin with the man and then plunge head on into a quite guilt-driven marriage until finally I realize that I hate the man and then I divorce the man. It’s been a rather simple process minus a couple of lunatics I’ve run into along the way.
Fortunately, that problem has all but been eliminated by the Internet because I can always block those suckers now…ahem, I digress. Some might think my life has been a ‘relationship’ disaster. However, they haven’t seen me at work on the Internet. So far in just these few years, I’ve had over 10 cyber beaus’ two cyber affairs and countless cyber one night stands… I feel so cheap…gosh, I never had any idea I was so virtually promiscuous. With that thought, I finally decided that I was getting to old for this game of chance, this loose typing, this wayward word play…hopping from Yahoogroup to Yahoogroup, changing my name to avoid reproof… and revelation…preferring anonymity over full or even partial disclosure.
I’m ready to stand tall and repent, come out from behind the screen name and be a real person....actually MEET some of these people I've been so intimate with all these years.
So here’s what I did. I dropped all my groups and deleted email addresses except for business contacts and swore off surfing and decided to ‘get out’ more. I took on a full time job that forced me away from my house at least 14 hours a day including a 3 hours commute.
Now what have I found? Several disturbing facts…one, did you know that if you have a cell phone you could text page the person sitting next to you and never have to speak to them… if you do it right they don’t even have to know it’s YOU. Oh my God!
Then I met a man who said, I’d like to take you out…and what did I say?
“Out? As in outside of my house? As in socially?...” Needless to say, we didn’t get too far after that.
Then I met a man who said, “I’ll call you.”
And I said, “Sure my VM is always on,” …Needless to say, I’ve yet to get a message from him.
Okay, then I met someone—the Man O’ My Dream. Yes, despite all of that, I met someone wonderful, and have been completely flabbergasted. For instead of my phone number, he asked me for my email address, and instead of my real name he wanted my alias… and yes, I gave him all of that.
We talk everyday and still he will break into the conversation, stating that he will tell me the rest of the story…online.
I know what you’re thinking…he’s just a weirdo, step away…quickly. But no, I’m all for it. I was like, “Oh that will be great I’ll be, waiting at my computer for the email to come.” And I go my way, and he goes his…wherever that may be.
Suddenly, however, its hit me. Wait a doggone minute here. All the time it’s taking for him to get home boot up sign on and email me, we could be ‘dating,’ ‘talking,’ moving into a guilt-ridden relationship…you know, like the kind I’m used to.
I began to ponder the possibilities of a physical type relationship with this man…It made me ill at first and then sort of…giddy inside. I told an old friend one of the ones I had left behind in the real world so long ago. I’ve contacted her via the phone during this transition back and it’s been interesting…speaking…with her. Anywho, I told her about this gentleman and the issues we are having, and she just stared at me with a blank expression. I kept saying, surely you understand…surely do you…and then finally I had to realize she didn’t have a computer. What did she understand about virtual love...nothing!
She asked me, after a moment or two longer of regrouping. “Well, Michelle, what are his assets?”
“He types 90 wpm and owns two working computers…and knows HTML.”
“No, no…what does he do for a living?”
“Hell if I know.”
“Is he gay?”
“That sounds—ehhh—a little personal, don’tcha think?” slurping down the last of my Starbucks Frappicino.
She stared at me before hanging up her cell phone, and then shaking her head, she walked away from our table.
Oh, woe is me. I’m so very lost now and confused by what I have to believe is happening to me. I’m turning into a virtual woman with an off base, data base and reference bank for reality. I would say its fine, however; I’m not sure it is. I so crave the real world yet, feel as though I don’t fit in any more. But I’m ready, I know I am, ready to reach out and touch someone on the REAL.
Well, I’m going to end here and get back to my MySpace updates. Help if you can,
Signed,
ZenaWarrior47 I mean, Michelle McGriff
© Michelle McGriff, Portland, Oregon 2006